Self... Like?

Maybe.  Maybe not so much.

I know full well that I'm supposed to embrace and love and revere this post-baby body of mine.  I know it.  But it doesn't mean I actually feel those things.  In all honesty, I don't like my body at all right now.

Giving Up and Glad About It

So, as I type this, I'm sitting 8 inches from my breast pump bag, which is putting the baby and the dogs to sleep with its hypnotic whoosh-whoosh sounds.  I won't lie; it regularly puts me to sleep as I'm sitting up, nearing on midnight, for my last pumping session of the day.

Why pump?  Why not "just" breastfeed?  Two big reasons: Apparently, my nipples are junk and make it nearly impossible for Wyla to latch on.  I have to wear nifty little shields to make feeding her possible.  The other reason is that when it comes to feeding, Wyla oscillates between two modes - Sleepy Pie Can't Stay Awake, or Hangry Pacman Chomping and Thrashing (so. much. ouch.).  Neither way is effective at getting her belly full.

I've been feeding her expressed milk with bottles that mimic breasts, so that she won't forget how to latch.  But honestly, I almost never breastfeed her anymore.  Maybe once every couple of days at best.  And those bottles make such a mess (even with bibs, I have to change her onesie with almost every feeding) and make feeding her slow.  Which is the last thing I need when I'm sitting down to pump for 30 minutes every 2.5 hours.  But now?  I'm feeling like, why bother?  Why is it that I'm trying to keep her breast-ready for feeding?  Unfortunately, I can't get rid of my breast pump because I'll be relying on it when I go back to work in July.  So, I'm stuck with that bad boy.

So, I quit.  No more baby-on-boob action in this house.  If I'm being completely honest, I think about quitting the pump and breast milk altogether.  But, for now, I'll keep it up.  My goal is six months.  Only 4.5 more to go, right?

Will Work for Food

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This morning, I saw a man standing on the corner of a busy intersection, holding out a cardboard sign that said, "Will Work for Food" in black marker.  Every time I see someone like this, my heart instantly pinches up.  It breaks my heart to see anyone hungry, and in this current economy, with crops dying of drought, the hungry will only become hungrier.  When I see someone offering to work for food, it's all I can do not to invite him over to my house to cook up a huge batch of something homemade for a meal and for leftovers to go.  I realize that, as a woman, I simply cannot be inviting strangers into my house, and that only makes my heart feel even more pinchy.  

But when I saw that man today, with his messy hair and too-big clothing, I nearly broke down in tears.  I was five minutes from my workplace, and I wanted to turn my car around to go home and make this man an overflowing pot of spaghetti.  And while I was internally lamenting my inability to ditch my day job for an apron and stack of recipes, I remembered a Pin in my feed yesterday:

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Blessing Bags.  An utterly genius - and empathetic and empowering - idea.  A bag of helpful items to feed and better someone's life.  A helping hand in a ziploc.

Some twenty years ago, a similar man was standing on a busy corner with a similar sign.  My family was on our way home from a picnic in a local park, and we had leftovers tucked away in a cooler in our car.  When my dad saw this man, he instantly rolled down his window to hand the man all our leftover fried chicken, oranges, and cans of cold soda.  Twenty years later, and I have not forgotten the look on that man's face.  He was instantly overjoyed and lit up with a smile.  He said a million thank yous to us as we continued handing him food through the window.

These days, when I'm up at night, worrying about budgets and finances and plans for the future, it's easy to forget that others are in much more fragile situations.  Others would be delighted to receive something as simple as a plastic bag filled with nourishment.

I have a new project to focus on.  One that makes my heart feel light.

Blessing Bags #1

Blessing Bags #2