Can't.

I had incredible, happy dreams last night.  My dreams are always vivid, and I nearly always wake up feeling that same emotion from my dreams.  But for some reason, when I awoke this morning, the reality of life came crashing down on me.  And it was heavy.  Ordinarily, I'm a take-charge person; I get things done.  If I want something out of life, I chase it down.  Maybe this is why God gave me such strong legs? 

But the past year has me feeling helpless and as if my life is out of my control.  This is such a foreign place for me that to say that I feel lost would be treating it with kid gloves.  There are frustrations with life that I just cannot fix on my own; I cannot put in enough elbow grease to shine up the situation.

I woke up this morning with the word "Can't" reverberating through my mind.  That word and I are not friends, and we never have been.  I do not identify with it, I do not empathize with it, I do not comiserate with it.  But this morning, I feel as if there are a million of billboards screaming at me from within my own bedroom:  Can't clear up your skin!  Can't get married!  Can't afford things!  Can't fit into your jeans!  Can't have babies!

That last one makes me pause.  It makes me gasp if I dwell on it for more than a few seconds.  It's not referring to a physical inability to have children, but my inability to have them now.  And with each passing day, my body ages toward a point where physical inability becomes a very real enemy, lurking from within. 

There aren't many things in this life that I can say without an ounce of doubt that I am good at.  But, I have always known - from the depths of my being - that I will be a good mother.  When I feel insecure with my career or filled with doubts in other areas, I ache to devote my energies toward something where I know I will thrive.  And it always goes back to one, unshaking thought:  Motherhood.

I am aware enough to know that things can be done to help fix my world of "Can't."  Enough creativity and enough trying will resolve most anything.  I need to return to that place of creativity and effort.  Because I know me - feeling lost and helpless isn't something I tolerate for long.  Like a gypsy, I feel the pulls of change in the wind, and there's no keeping me still once I feel those whispers across my skin.

A Love Squashed

We had just pulled up to my high school in my purple Dodge Neon, circa 1999. I in a swishy dress, he in a handsome suit. We walked through the front double-doors, a little nervous and giddy inside. My parents greeted us with big hugs and remarked how much they really liked Bo. We gathered our name tags and followed the nametag woman down the hall to our table for dinner. I was really very excited about being able to attend a Reunion Prom and even more so that Bo would be with me for the fun. We arrived at our table, set for four, and as the nametag lady handed me my first course, I clumsily tried to pull my metal chair out while balancing a bowl of pasta. It dribbled over the side of the bowl, requiring me to quickly wipe the drip with my finger. I was far too preoccupied with getting to sneak a taste of the gorgeous bowl of squash ravioli slathered with the deapest red marina to even consider that it might further drip onto my swishy dress. As I drew my finger toward my mouth for that one sneaky taste,

my alarm clock went off.  The rude, inconsiderate thing.  I freaking love squash ravioli in a delicious marinara sauce, and my jerk of an alarm clock had to go and wake me up a millisecond from my being able to taste it.  Gahhhh, the agony. 

Deja Vu Dreaming

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I started dreaming, and I immediately recognized the place. I thought, "Where have I seen this place before?" and starting feeling all deja vu-y. And then I realized (still mid-dream) that I'd dreamt that place before. I had dream deja vu of a dream. Awesome.

The place in my dream looked a bit like this, but with wide doors opened up to sunshine and fresh air:


Note: According to the World Is Round site, that photo is of Oia, on the Greek island Santorini. Too bad I've been to Greece twice in my dreams and never in actuality.

We're Adopting This Dog

Except that Bo said I couldn't. And then I got mad at him, so very mad.

But, really it was all a dream. Sigh. I dreamt last night that we were moving out of a place, and my old-old landlord had left a dog there. The dog looked a bit like this picture, and she was just the sweetest thing ever. I knew she'd be perfection with Rory. I pleaded and pleaded with Bo to take her with us. I told him that we'd adopt her out, so she'd just need a home for a very short while. (I was totally lying; I fully intended to keep her forever.) But he kept saying no. So I got mad at him, and then the dream ended.

I'm not searching for any meaning in the dream. That's no fun and too serious. Really, I just want to pet that sweet dog again, tee hee.

Perchance To Dream

Lately, I've been having odd and mildly horrible dreams. Friday night's awful dreams are to be blamed on watching back-to-back episodes of Dateline about murders. I'm not entirely sure why Saturday night's were bad, but I was living in hiding a la Anne Frank. My dreams usually so vivid that they can really make the next day fairly worrisome and disturbing for me. But thankfully, my dreams last night were less crackhead in nature. The one funny part is that I had a Cake Wrecks mini-dream. I'm pretty sure that the day I finally see a Wreck in person will be the greatest day in my whole, whole, whole life. I suppose having a dream about a Wreck is one step closer to that day, right?

Here's to a day filled with glee. And possibly cake ;)

Image courtesy of the esteemed Cake Wrecks.

Mean Monkeys

This morning, my sister, Magpie, sent me this text:

"I had a dream that u were movin 2 new subdivision being built but it had long uphill drive 2 get there & a forest behind it w/ mean monkeys n the trees."

Which is amusingly whack on its own, but in one of my own dreams last night, I was yelling at some woman who was being mean to her. (And the fact that Magpie and I were baking pies and living in a duplex with sidewalk chalk drawings everywhere only adds to the fun of it all.) But, evidently, we were both worried about each other in our dreams last night.

She and I have always had really vidid - and often strange - dreams. And we usually have more than one that we remember each night. Before last night's saga of pie baking and sidewalk chalk, I dreamt that I was looking at a table or ledge covered in flowers and plants and greenery, and I was inspired to write a children's book. I don't remember the subject of my book, but evidently, it was wildly successful, and I was walking around just beaming from the inside out.

And a couple of nights ago, I dreamt that I opened my own bake shop. I've been daydreaming about owning my own bake shop for no fewer than 4 years now, but this has been my first night-dream of one. My daydreams have even gone so far as to have planned the entire menu of classic items and a few new twists (just say yes to gluten- and dairy-free yummies!). But back to the dream - again, it was just a really happy, content dream. My dreams are nearly always so vivid that whichever emotions I experience in my dream are carried over to the next day. Which is all fabulous until I have a bad or anxiety-filled dream, lol. But this morning, I woke up feeling the most smiley I've felt in a long while.

I'm sure that my bake shop dream was inspired by having recently watched "Stranger Than Fiction." Her bake shop is so close to what I'd like mine to look and feel like! And her philosophy on changing the world rings so true and close to my heart. Sigh...But she really does need an old piano in the corner of the shop and way more cookies on that plate.

One day, I'll write a post on lucid dreaming and the ability to control your dreams while you're having them. Ooh boy, I can't wait.