Friday, May 29, 2015

Self... Like?

Maybe.  Maybe not so much.

I know full well that I'm supposed to embrace and love and revere this post-baby body of mine.  I know it.  But it doesn't mean I actually feel those things.  In all honesty, I don't like my body at all right now.

In the first shower I took after my C-section, I looked down and didn't recognize a single part of my body.  Below the neck, it wasn't me.  It didn't look like the pregnant version of me, and it was nowhere near the pre-baby version of me.  Later, after a few weeks of night sweats and hot flashes, I lost the bloat weight and was able to put real shoes and jeans back on again.  But, still.  I still do not look like me.  And more importantly, I do not feel like me.  I'm used to feeling strong and capable; right now, I'm not in the slightest running shape, and it seems like more and more body parts are in pain with each day.  That's a move in the opposite direction, am I right?

I realized this morning that I've been mildly obsessing over a photo of me taken ten years ago, right after a sweaty, dusty, hilly, summer trail run.  I'm soaked in sweat (I do not look pretty when I work out), and my hair is a frizzy pony-tailed mess.  But all I can think about right now is how badass I was.  I'd just finished running a set of trail loops with a killer hill, and I'd passed other runners on the uphills.   I was sweaty and feeling strong.  So strong.

Now?  I am a lumpy mess, experiencing pain that's limiting me even more.  I know full well that this will pass, and that I'll start really running again one day, and that my body might eventually look familiar again.  But I don't want to discount how I feel right now.  I don't want to ignore my current struggle with a brain that doesn't want to live in the body it's got. I don't want to candy coat or smile through my true feelings.  I want to throw things and kick things and go out - solo - to run my body ragged.

But for now, I will work on my mental game. And try to come to terms with reintroducing my body to my brain.

1 comment:

  1. That's got to be hard. Clearly I'll never know what a post-partum body feels like, but I *do* know what it is to let one's body go catastrophically and wonder if you'll ever feel strong again. Hoping you'll start feeling strong again soon after you start getting back into training.