Thursday, February 12, 2009

Butta Culla Teef

First, I had a bad body image. And then, as if that weren't ambitious or go-getter enough, I went and developed a bad teeth image. I'm not sure when it happened; I would guess it dates back as far as when I still lived in Oregon. But, no matter. Let me explain the inner workings of this self-imposed malady of the mind.

When I look in the mirror, mirror on the wall, I see my teeth as being a shade of beige. If you're staring at a handy HTML color chart, think "Cornsilk." But that sounds pretty, doesn't it? Chimly is one of my best good friends who is also afflicted with this mania, and she calls it "Butter Teeth." Yes, I have butter teeth. At least, that's what I see when I inspect their shade, as I frequently and obsessively do.

I have a whole arsenal of weapons involved in the battle of the butter: Whitening toothpaste (only Aquafresh varieties will do), a power toothbrush (otherwise my teeth are always wearing little sweaters), a whitening mouthwash, whitening strips for maintenance, and whitening kits for a blast of stain-erasing goodness. And I have to admit that I keep floss in my car too. I used to keep a toothbrush, but discovered that floss was easier and way more compact to stow away. In my own defense, I don't use all those products every single day. But the fact that I own them and think about them and have favorites is a testament to the fact that I spend way too much thought-power dedicated to the color of my teeth.

In case you were wondering, I don't have any hangups on the straightness of my teeth. That's probably attributable to the fact that my permanent retainers haven't allowed my teeth to scoot much over the years, and I've got a deathgrip on those wires.

But like any addict, I'm on the lookout for better, faster, stronger. I've read good things about this toothpaste, so I'm antsy to try it next!

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